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The internal memos they didn't want you to see...

BlandPetroChem plc, Smarch 2006

This document was taken from a top FTSE-100 company. It is an internal newsletter which obviously never saw the light of day. All names have been changed to protect us from being sued or slapped.


Welcome to the first edition of “Eel Talk”.

One of the bits of feedback we received as part of the introduction of “Grim to Grimmer” was that people want to know more about what is going on around them in Finance. Who’s doing what, where and when?

We’re being serious! We honestly think you care about the finance department, and that this is a really interesting read. As if you guys don’t have enough to get bored about already…

Clearly some things can’t be communicated via a newsletter. Some are confidential, and must remain so. Others are best dealt with by simply going across and chatting to those involved!

Anyway, so what’s there to talk about? What indeed!

Office moves

The rumour mill is not working as well as it could. Forget what you’ve heard. At the time of writing, nothing has yet been agreed about seating moves in Finance. We pretend to know nothing and talk you up; we use that as a mechanism to keep the workforce scum down.

The death of our Accounts colleagues has created some space in Finance. This, in turn, has generated the opportunity for us, amongst other things, to move the Consumer Finance team together and to consider what other improvements we can make.

However, it’s not easy! We want to make the most of this opportunity and not rush into something we later regret. Lets not have any more unnecessary bloodbaths over the seating arrangements, because we all know how important this matter is. We know you really, really care so much.

Hence, as soon as “agreement” between the various parties has been achieved, we will communicate the changes to everyone so that it’s not a case of some knowing something which others don’t. Like we say, we don’t care about you or where you sit as long as we get our huge pay packets at the end of the month.

Who’s that?

Ever wondered who that new person sat across the office from you is? Fear not. Multiple Wimbledon trophy winner Pete Sampras has the answer.

Appearing on a cupboard near you, look out for the posters with pictures of our new starters, together with their names and what films they have appeared in (if any). If you want to find out more, see your local newspapers for details of performances they may be putting on.

Starters & leavers

A special welcome to:

Muhammad Ali – has joined us as our new Finance graduate trainee and will spend her first few months learning about the business in CENSORED.

Michael Schumacher – has joined the risk team as CENSORED.

Rt. Hon. Tony Blair PM – has replaced Al Pacino in what was Credit Control as one of our CENSORED.

Gabriel Heinze – has joined us on a permanent basis as a Customer Finance Administrator with our CENSORED team.

Mark J Williams – has joined the Accounts team as a CENSORED.

Interviews are underway to appoint the new Manager who will head up the Customer Credit team – watch this space for further announcements. Current speculation indicates that former Conservative party leader Ian Duncan Smith (IDS) is the favourite to take this post.

Punishment Chamber

The suggestion has been made that we investigate installing a punishment chamber (with a lock and internal spikes) in part of the photocopier room upstairs in Finance – so you suckers stay the hell away from our expensive executive reclining chairs!

Booking holidays

Please note that once your line manager has approved your holiday request form, the form should be passed on to ex Nottingham Forest and England midfielder Neil Webb who will then enter it onto the new Finance Holiday spreadsheet.

Social evening

Smarch 7th – Bowling Night

(Madison Square Garden, New York, NY)

Last time, Phil “the Power” Taylor proved himself “King Pin” – will you be able to steal his crown?

Your company

If your team would like to find out more about what’s behind BlandPetroChem’s our office offering, contact former Labour party head of communications Alistair Campbell who will be happy to attend your next team meeting.

Annual audit

Many companies dread the arrival of the auditors. Ours are a “nice enough bunch” (i.e. they are as corrupt as us) and the work we do as a team on a day to day basis helps smooth the review process. Easy when both the auditors and ourselves are on the same payroll isn’t it?

They have yet to finalise their Management Report to the BlandPetroChem directors, but the indications are that they’ve done well to make it look like we’ve done well as a team and the issues they have raised are less significant due to the fact that the books are always fiddled to coerce shareholder’s money into our back pockets.

Which is all a long-winded way of saying “thanks – but no thanks!” we may have our faults and there are always areas in which we can improve but in reality we don’t care about any of you suckers as long as we keep getting paid extortionate sums of cash, we honestly couldn’t give a damn if you cant afford to pay the rent.

Any comments on this update or suggestions for the next issue please speak to athlete Denise Lewis or actor Alec Baldwin.

President George W. Bush
Finance Director