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The Apprentice (BBC One)

Extract from the popular business show featuring ghastly yuppie types backstabbing their way onto Sir Alan Sugarís breakfast table.

Alan Sugar: Bigger than 16 people combined

Narrator: Sixteen people, all hoping to become the apprentice of TV hardman Sir Alan Sugar, the billionaire biscuit baron.

Sir Alan: Cara, good job, you managed to piss this one up slightly less than Stig. Stig, what were you thinking?

Stig: Sir Alan?

Sir Alan: First of all you have tomato sauce all over your suit jacket, when was the last time you washed it? Secondly, the task. I asked you to build me an arc, and fill it with two animals of each species. Why did you just fill it with slothís?

Stig: Slothís are hilarious.

Sir Alan: I donít want to hear it. I ask for a giant arc for animals, you just got a giant cardboard box from Morrisonís and sealed slothís inside with cello tape.

[Camera pans in from range in an overdramatic way to unconvincingly simulate suspense]

Sir Alan: Cara, Ďyer hired, well done. Stig, Ďyer fucked.

Stig: IÖ.sorry?

Sir Alan: As itís the final, and as you cocked it up so badly, Iíve decided to go that extra mile than the usual sacking scene. Iíve arranged for the boys to give you a bit of a kicking.

Stig: Sir Alan, please, have mercy.

Sir Alan: Itís too late for that now.

Narrator: Meanwhile, the series winner Caraís arrogant smirk is currently powering most of southern England.

Cara: Itís great to win. I was clearly the best, and unlike Stig I didnít get tomato sauce all over my back. Yes, it was just tomato sauce, thatís all it was. I expect now Iíll have a really important assignment

Narrator: We returned to Sir Alan Sugarís warren a week later to find out how she was getting on.

Cara: The job mainly revolves around filing things. See this pile of paper here? (points to large stack of paper) These come in in batches of 200 or so, I just count them up to make sure they match exactly two hundred, then itís just a case of ensuring that each page gets placed into the correct file. Itís not the job I thought it might be.

Interviewer: Youíd have been better off going through a temp agency next time. Much less work than this TV show.

Cara: Well, yesterday Sir Alan let me buff his shoes, so clearly he has earmarked me for a more important role in future!