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Real RSPB Blamed For Terror Strikes in Rural England

There was shock and disbelief in England yesterday after a spate of bird shootings was uncovered in various fields across the South West. Preliminary reports suggest that the counties of Devon and Cornwall were hit hardest, after footage obtained by BFOF yesterday showed widespread bird carcasses scattered across forests and National Trust reserves. Mortified bird lovers were pictured wondering about in the vicinity of targeted areas while the army was called in to clean up amid fears the dead birds could cause distress and, in the cat community, disease if left unattended.

Although police are stressing it is too early to estimate the extent of the damage caused, local resident Rosie Turner, summed up the current situation facing locals: “Nooooooooooooo!” she said, followed by loud sobbing. Observers on the scene report parts of bird carcass scattered across large areas of terrain, prompting some experts to speculate that large guns and, possibly, canons, were used in the atrocity.

No one has thus far come forward to claim responsibility for the attacks, though terrorist group the Real RSPB will be primary suspects. Yesterday’s attacks parallel that of the activity of the group, who claim to be “The Royal Society for the Prevention of Birds”. A splinter group from the charity of the same acronym, it is the aim of the Real RSPB to rid the countryside of all birds and “things that leave the ground but keep on going upwards”. The split is reported to have occurred after a heated general meeting of the trustees of the RSPB as members were discussing whether or not “clay pigeon shooting” was cruel or not, causing many activists to walk out of the meeting complaining that it “…is not [cruel to] shoot anyone or anything”.

Last month, the group accepted responsibility for the infamous owl massacre at Oldbridge Owl Sanctuary, which resulted in the death of over seven owls and left twenty five seriously injured.

The news of this latest shooting spree is likely to cause even more embarrassment to the Royal Family. Prince William, current chairman of the board of trustees from the RSPB, is strongly rumoured to be sympathetic to the cause of the Real RSPB, a claim persistently denied by Buckingham Palace. Rumours spread last month when tabloid newspapers published images of the Prince strangling an ostrich. This infuriated RSPB members, who called for his resignation due to the parallels drawn with the scandal and that of the logo of the Real RSPB, an ostrich with a dagger sticking out of its body.

A police spokesman was unavailable for comment as he had his mouth full of pork pie when questioned.