Real RSPB Blamed For Terror Strikes in Rural
England
There
was shock and disbelief in England yesterday after a spate of bird shootings
was uncovered in various fields across the South West. Preliminary reports
suggest that the counties of Devon and Cornwall were hit hardest, after
footage obtained by BFOF yesterday showed widespread bird carcasses
scattered across forests and National Trust reserves. Mortified bird lovers
were pictured wondering about in the vicinity of
targeted areas while the army was called in to clean up amid
fears the dead birds could cause distress and, in the cat community, disease
if left unattended.
Although police are stressing it is too early to estimate the extent of the
damage caused, local resident Rosie Turner, summed up the current situation
facing locals: “Nooooooooooooo!” she
said, followed by loud sobbing. Observers on the scene report parts of bird
carcass scattered across large areas of terrain, prompting some experts to
speculate that large guns and, possibly, canons, were used in the atrocity.
No one has thus far come forward to claim responsibility for the attacks,
though terrorist group the Real RSPB will be primary suspects. Yesterday’s
attacks parallel that of the activity of the group, who claim to be “The
Royal Society for the Prevention of Birds”. A splinter group from
the charity of the same acronym, it is the aim of the Real RSPB to rid the
countryside of all birds and “things that leave the ground but keep on going
upwards”. The split is reported to have occurred after a heated general
meeting of the trustees of the RSPB as members were discussing whether or
not “clay pigeon shooting” was cruel or not, causing many activists to walk
out of the meeting complaining that it “…is not [cruel to] shoot anyone or
anything”.
Last month, the group accepted responsibility for the infamous owl massacre
at Oldbridge Owl Sanctuary, which resulted in the
death of over seven owls and left twenty five seriously injured.
The news of this latest shooting spree is likely to cause even more
embarrassment to the Royal Family. Prince William, current chairman of the
board of trustees from the RSPB, is strongly rumoured to be sympathetic to
the cause of the Real RSPB, a claim persistently denied by Buckingham
Palace. Rumours spread last month when tabloid newspapers published images
of the Prince strangling an ostrich. This infuriated RSPB members, who
called for his resignation due to the parallels drawn with the scandal and
that of the logo of the Real RSPB, an ostrich with
a dagger sticking out of its body.
A police spokesman was unavailable for comment as he had his
mouth full of pork pie when questioned.