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Queen Announces New London Borough

A new London borough was sensationally announced in a special address by the Queen from her headquarters in Buckingham Palace yesterday.

Controversial plans to demolish existing eastern London locations such as Greenwich, Newham and, most distressingly of all for sports fans, much of Stratford are set to be announced in the coming days. It is understood that this is no mere rebranding exercise, and that whole areas are to be levelled to make way for this new borough. Local businesses and concerned residents are said to be up in arms about such a move, which would not need any Governmental approval because it has come directly from the Queen. Michael Daniels of Greenwich, east London, claimed such a move would “leave us up shit creek with very little paddle apparatus available”. The Conservative MP for the area, Ms Glenda Thompson, described the proposal as being “a fucking outrage…where the hell are all these people going to live?”

Above: Artist’s impression: In the heart of East London

Experts predict that up to half a million people may be made homeless by the move, as bulldozers drive their former homes into the ground, in many cases with personal belongings still inside, some experts are suggesting. A spokesman for the Home Office also expressed deep concern for the proposed plans, indicating that there was little or nothing the Government could do to “stop this or accommodate its consequences”.

The story, uncovered yesterday by the Daily Mail, has led to increased tensions between those people who want to see more London Boroughs and those who want to see less. A spokesman for the Mail suggested that the move may be a prudent one as there is a shortage of “squalid, sorry cheap, housing” in the capital, something which the new borough would aim to address.

Sporting critics also point out that the move could prove potentially disastrous to London’s ability to host the forthcoming Olympic Games, due to come to the capital in 2012. The Queen suggested however that the new borough would be ready by 2009, leaving approximately 3 years to build “stadiums and what have you”.

Plans also exist to create a square in the centre of the new borough, set to be named after the Queen’s former husband Albert. Rumours also persist that the proposed “Albert Square” will house the yet-to-be-announced, but heavily rumoured, university and international airport, as well as a centrepiece public house, dubbed “the Queen Victoria”, after the Queen’s former squash partner of the same name.

Although currently undecided, it is understood that the new name for the borough would be decided by asking famous TV celebrities their opinion. It is understood that the current two front runners are “Weatherfield” and “Walford,” with a winner set to be announced next week.

500,000 Londoners wait with baited breath..