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Palace quick to quash Queen booze speech rumours

Officials from Buckingham Palace today moved quickly to allay claims in the press that the Queen was drunk while delivering her traditional Christmas Day speech.

The speech, which made constant references to controversial social issues, is likely to provoke widespread criticism from groups across the political spectrum. Starting at the usual 3pm time, viewers saw the speech abruptly end after just four minutes. A punchy performance held little back from a stunned audience, as the Queen tore into such issues as foreign policy, homelessness and immigration. She also appeared to slur words, the volume of her voice alternating wildly between cold whispered warnings and belligerent shouting.

Perhaps the most controversial part of the speech concerned the deployment of troops in Iraq, a lament which served to outline a real lack of understanding of current affairs from the monarchy. Blaming the “Argies” for the resurgent attacks against British troops, the Queen astounded viewers by appearing to command that Tony Blair order a nuclear strike on the country so that “…we can all get a bit of piece and quiet”.

Moving on to domestic issues, a usually sympathetic Queen went on to use harsh words to describe the “parasite” homeless that went without over Christmas. Biting intermittently on a chicken drumstick, the Queen opined that “[we should] send them all to France or somewhere…with all the other illegals”.

Her speech ended with a baffling yet heated argument with an unknown off screen assailant. Continuously distracted by the issue throughout the speech, the Queen finally got up out of her chair and picked up a mobile phone, dialling into it and screaming “I want that man dead!”

The speech ended moments later with the queen shaking her fist directly at the camera and, breathing heavily, demanded to know if it was “rolling”.

Today, Buckingham Palace insisted an enquiry was already well underway and that a statement would be issued when the results are published in 2045.