Internet damage was caused by kick
After
the Internet’s recent service disruption, details explaining the hitch have
today begun to emerge. The Internet stopped working during the main part of
Wednesday morning, purportedly, after someone accidentally kicked it.
Left: the attic the Internet was kept in till 1997
An internal memo obtained from the university where it is stored
demonstrated a surprising level of disregard for the initial problem. The
note, addressed to the Dean from a Professor Hawks, says simply “The
Internet is Damaged. Someone kicked it.” Although concrete
information has yet to be established, Professor Hawks is understood to be
one of the investigation’s chief suspects, with many of the university’s
students already pointing fingers, stressing that he has “a foul temper” and
“has a proven history of kicking items in his office”.
Professor Hawks denied purposely kicking the Internet in a carefully worded
statement that does not appear to rule out the possibility that it was
in some way beaten. “I categorically deny
any mal intent towards the Internet or his family”, the statement reads,
“…in spite of it telling me the weather was good when it was so clearly
raining outside”. CCTV footage, ironically leaked to Internet website
YouTube, appears to show Professor Hawks giving the Internet a
superior punt, though like much on the
site, the footage is grainy and inconclusive.
Originally stored in the loft of the man who discovered the mass
communication medium in 1867, the Internet was moved to Harvard University's
state of the art Technology Research Centre
in 1997 for the purposes of research and security. It is somewhat ironic
then that the Internet managed to sustain damage in it’s new home.
The system became globally unavailable for the main part of Wednesday
morning (GMT), crippling finance and stock markets across Europe and the Far
East.
More
significantly, it managed to prevent crestfallen players of UK-based
newspaper The Daily Telegraph’s Fantasy Football
game from checking on the weekly performance of their teams.
Left: Harvard's Technology Research Centre: New home
to the Internet since 1997
A spokesman for Harvard University moved to alleviate suggestions that there
was a lack of understanding or urgency
as to the importance of securing the safety of the device, which is used by
an estimated two thousand people across the globe, spanning users in some
seventeen countries. “We treat the security
of the Internet with the utmost seriousness,” he said, adding “We still
haven’t established [the cause of the damage]…but needless to say we’ve
changed the locks to his den”.