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Internet damage was caused by kick

Stay out of my loft you bumsAfter the Internet’s recent service disruption, details explaining the hitch have today begun to emerge. The Internet stopped working during the main part of Wednesday morning, purportedly, after someone accidentally kicked it.

Left: the attic the Internet was kept in till 1997

An internal memo obtained from the university where it is stored demonstrated a surprising level of disregard for the initial problem. The note, addressed to the Dean from a Professor Hawks, says simply “The Internet is Damaged. Someone kicked it.” Although concrete information has yet to be established, Professor Hawks is understood to be one of the investigation’s chief suspects, with many of the university’s students already pointing fingers, stressing that he has “a foul temper” and “has a proven history of kicking items in his office”.

Professor Hawks denied purposely kicking the Internet in a carefully worded statement that does not appear to rule out the possibility that it was in some way beaten. “I categorically deny any mal intent towards the Internet or his family”, the statement reads, “…in spite of it telling me the weather was good when it was so clearly raining outside”. CCTV footage, ironically leaked to Internet website YouTube, appears to show Professor Hawks giving the Internet a superior punt, though like much on the site, the footage is grainy and inconclusive.

Originally stored in the loft of the man who discovered the mass communication medium in 1867, the Internet was moved to Harvard University's state of the art Technology Research Centre in 1997 for the purposes of research and security. It is somewhat ironic then that the Internet managed to sustain damage in it’s new home.

The system became globally unavailable for the main part of Wednesday morning (GMT), crippling finance and stock markets across Europe and the Far East.
Tramps used to live here until the Internet was moved inMore significantly, it managed to prevent crestfallen players of UK-based newspaper The Daily Telegraph’s Fantasy Football game from checking on the weekly performance of their teams.

Left: Harvard's Technology Research Centre: New home to the Internet since 1997

A spokesman for Harvard University moved to alleviate suggestions that there was a lack of understanding or urgency as to the importance of securing the safety of the device, which is used by an estimated two thousand people across the globe, spanning users in some seventeen countries. “We treat the security of the Internet with the utmost seriousness,” he said, adding “We still haven’t established [the cause of the damage]…but needless to say we’ve changed the locks to his den”.