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Global Staying the Same: The New Threat to
April 2007. As the great global warming debate begins to reach
boiling point (what?) a fresh coal has been
thrown on the fire of debate (oh!) in the form of a new theory put forward
by a leading UN scientist today.
With the UN set to announce the harshest statement yet about the forthcoming
impact of global warming, arguments from
scientists who believe human carbon dioxide output is not a significant
factor in warming are becoming increasingly silenced. A significant portion
of the scientific community disputes the theory, believing it to be
inaccurate in the same way global cooling was disproved decades ago.
Outspoken scientist Emily van der Silk today went one further, indicating
that global warming is the facade covering a far greater threat, that of
Global Staying the Same.
It has become sacrilege to speak out against global warming, with the
philistines who do so labelled “heretics,” “witches” and, worse, “chairmen
of major oil conglomerates”. Dr. van der Silk claimed to be none
of these, highlighting the high level of abuse and threats she has received
from faithful global warming believers.
Popular TV conservationist and CEO of British
Petroleum David Bellamy
(1) agrees with van der Silk and her band of profane sceptics.
"Global warming - at least the modern nightmare version - is a myth," he
said. "I am sure of it and so are a growing number of scientists. But what
is really worrying is that the world's politicians and policy-makers are
not.”. Sunspots have been cited by some of the more untutored experts as the
main cause of the current warming trend (below).
correlation between sunspots and global temperatures.
“Global Staying the Same is a huge worry to us in the scientific community
who actually look at the evidence rather than spouting
populist nonsense” van der Silk bellowed.
“If nothing is happening in the climate, there is nothing for people to get
unnecessarily worked up about”. It is prophesised that this could lead to
unforeseen consequences which may be equally or more damaging than the
projected impact of global warming.
It was suggested in the interview that the effects of the
shoddily named Global Staying the Same
could be severe. “Our latest scientific models suggest there may be
widespread forest fires and flooding” van der Silk said. Faced with the
prospect of a carefree existence, the doc suggested people might cause such
consequences by increasing leisure activities such as camping, where poorly
made camp fires or careless cigarette disposal
could cause a blaze. It was also suggested that as people stop
worrying about the climate and go on cruises instead, icebergs may become
damaged or destroyed completely by badly piloted steamers in a similar vein
to famous luxury speedboat The Titanic. “People might also blow up dams and
cause localised flooding [because they have nothing better to do]” van der
Silk added finally before propelling herself out of the office window.
“I’ve stopped worrying about the environment, now I try to
abseil instead” van der Silk was heard to
scream from the pavement below.
Are we all doomed? Read more on the global warming debate.