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Global Staying the Same: The New Threat to Humanity?

Brr! Its boiling!12 April 2007. As the great global warming debate begins to reach boiling point (what?) a fresh coal has been thrown on the fire of debate (oh!) in the form of a new theory put forward by a leading UN scientist today.

With the UN set to announce the harshest statement yet about the forthcoming impact of global warming, arguments from scientists who believe human carbon dioxide output is not a significant factor in warming are becoming increasingly silenced. A significant portion of the scientific community disputes the theory, believing it to be inaccurate in the same way global cooling was disproved decades ago. Outspoken scientist Emily van der Silk today went one further, indicating that global warming is the facade covering a far greater threat, that of Global Staying the Same.

It has become sacrilege to speak out against global warming, with the philistines who do so labelled “heretics,” “witches” and, worse, “chairmen of major oil conglomerates”. Dr. van der Silk claimed to be none of these, highlighting the high level of abuse and threats she has received from faithful global warming believers.

Popular TV conservationist and CEO of British Petroleum David Bellamy (1) agrees with van der Silk and her band of profane sceptics. "Global warming - at least the modern nightmare version - is a myth," he said. "I am sure of it and so are a growing number of scientists. But what is really worrying is that the world's politicians and policy-makers are not.”. Sunspots have been cited by some of the more untutored experts as the main cause of the current warming trend (below).

Left: correlation between sunspots and global temperatures.

“Global Staying the Same is a huge worry to us in the scientific community who actually look at the evidence rather than spouting populist nonsense” van der Silk bellowed. “If nothing is happening in the climate, there is nothing for people to get unnecessarily worked up about”. It is prophesised that this could lead to unforeseen consequences which may be equally or more damaging than the projected impact of global warming.

It was suggested in the interview that the effects of the shoddily named Global Staying the Same could be severe. “Our latest scientific models suggest there may be widespread forest fires and flooding” van der Silk said. Faced with the prospect of a carefree existence, the doc suggested people might cause such consequences by increasing leisure activities such as camping, where poorly made camp fires or careless cigarette disposal could cause a blaze. It was also suggested that as people stop worrying about the climate and go on cruises instead, icebergs may become damaged or destroyed completely by badly piloted steamers in a similar vein to famous luxury speedboat The Titanic. “People might also blow up dams and cause localised flooding [because they have nothing better to do]” van der Silk added finally before propelling herself out of the office window.

“I’ve stopped worrying about the environment, now I try to abseil instead” van der Silk was heard to scream from the pavement below.

Are we all doomed? Read more on the global warming debate. Here! And: Here!