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Giant panda “prefer roast dinners to bamboo”

Groundbreaking new scientific observations have revealed that giant panda prefer traditional roast dinners to sticks.

Environmental experts observed that the wild pandas consumed whole platefuls of roast dinner when it was left on the ground for them to find. Secret cameras drilled into nearby trees recorded the pandas eating the food exclusively using only their faces as some kind of primitive knife and fork. The panda were observed first disposing of the plates by throwing them against rocks, presumably under the illusion that they were a type of spherical snake competing for the provisions on offer.

Roast dinner trials

The pioneering research has already begun trials in Changning Panda Hovel, a panda sanctuary in south west China. Assessments have so far indicated that the panda do indeed prefer “people food” to wood, with resident bears Chi-Chi and Panda-o-Donnell both wolfing down vast quantities of roast potatoes, runner beans and Yorkshire puds, while shunning the timber on offer.

“They act like the ecstatic ghosts of their forefathers!” One excited zoologist was possibly misquoted as saying.

Visitor numbers to the hovel have skyrocketed since the trials. People flocking to the site have been eager to catch a unique glimpse of the notoriously elusive giant pandas gorging themselves on slow cooked beef and carrots. While the panda appeared to be extremely content with the switch in diet, one panda who, according to one independent news agency, had “hilariously eaten about ten plates of roast dinner,” lay on its back bemoaning the amount of food it had consumed.

Food of love: Aphrodisiac food and panda porn

With just 3,000 giant panda believed to be living in the wild, environmental experts are optimistic that the new findings could help to bolster numbers in future. It is thought that the switch from the brittle, rigid bamboo to tasty tasty roast dinners might offer an incentive to eat more healthily. The greater balanced diet and the reduced propensity for shards of stick to become lodged in the animal’s throat are both thought to be integral positive factors any future strategy to maintain and increase panda numbers could utilise.

Scientists have previously had success in increasing panda numbers by giving them hardcore nude panda videos to watch. Professor Amphetamines Visa, son of credit card magnate Arthur, suggested that the food might help to spice up effectiveness of the videos if “they put shed loads of jalapeno peppers in the mix”.