Starring Col. Moore and Cain






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Episode 2.

Moore and Cain become directors of the Carling brewery company.


     Moore: "What's your beef?"

Weeks later, Cain was scouring the local paper for jobs.

“Look in the executive section Cain!” Moore said as he turned. He’d been looking through the window of their motorway motel room at the constant stream of rush hour commuter traffic below.

“Sir. I’ve located what appears to be an executorship at Carling brewery sir.”

“Excellent work Cain”. Moore looked at the thinning traffic levels. “Looks like we’ll have no trouble getting down there by 0800 hours in time for interview.”

Moore had correctly supposed that the Carling brewery was not only nearby but also easily accessible on the duel carriageway, as well as successfully predicting the eight o’clock interview time. The two of them hastily exited the room and boarded the ex-army humvee parked up in the service station car park outside.

Eight minutes later they pulled up to the car park of the Carling brewery.

“You wait here Cain” Moore instructed. “We get this assignment, and we’ll be out of the Travelodge in no time”.

“I’m not sure how many more service station ready meals I can take”.

“Quite,” Moore replied. He began to psyche himself up in the same way Cain had seen him do a hundred times before as he prepared to hunt terrorists back in the army.

“Awaiting further orders sir. Here’s your tie.” Cain said as he sat back and waited to become a new director of Carling.

About an hour later Moore returned to the humvee. He was sporting a victorious glare and holding up a large case of Carling beer like a trophy. The interview had been a success and they were now both directors of the company. Their first assignment was to go to a photo shoot for the company’s annual report. Each director was required to have a profile photo taken, the photo shoot taking place in the brewery so that cans of Carling moving along the production line would be seductively on display in the background.

Moore and Cain waited with the other directors of the company for the photo team to arrive. Cain eyeballed them sceptically. He took a slurp from one of the cans of Carling Moore had obtained as a golden handshake earlier. He offered more cans to the directors. No one accepted, with the executive directors amongst the group refusing to even acknowledge the new recruits.

Eventually, the photographer showed up, the pictures were taken and the uncomfortable silence with the cynical directors was brought to a merciful conclusion.
The self evident conflict between Moore and Cain and the old guard directors, however, proved to be disastrous to their newly found careers. Days later, the chief operating officer of Carling got wind of the photo shoot. An email was sent to him with all the photos added to the provisional annual report. Moore and Cain had been sold out. Their profile images in the report appeared to show the two of them looking absolutely cunted. The COO was furious and immediately summoned them to his office for an explanation.

“What is the meaning of this?” He shouted as he chucked an open copy of the annual report across the desk to Moore.

What’s your beef?” Moore said staring directly into his eyes.

“I’ll tell you what my beef is,” the COO flamed, “The two of you looking absolutely obliterated in your profiles, that’s what! Him!” he turned to Cain. “I don’t even know who he is. He’s actually being sick in his one!”

Moore lit a cigarette. “You call this an alcohol company?” He said. “You mean you run a fucking alcohol company and your not supposed to drink?” Moore was hammered.

The COO looked through the slats in his executive office. Moore and Cain’s humvee was lying on top of his executive Jaguar car, evidently after it had come to a rest after taking out a large part of the security fence.

“Get the hell out of here before I call the AA,” he fumed. Cain was sick again. The COO was about to unleash another volley of abuse but was interrupted when his executive saloon exploded in a huge fireball.

“Better call for more vehicle back up, Cain, the hummer’s dead”.

“Sir!” cried Cain, on his knees and throwing up intermittently in the COO’s filing cabinet.

“Looks like we’re not the only one who’s fired,” Moore said as he reached into his executive backpack and pulled out the rope and grappling hook he needed to escape the office.

They arrived back at the Travelodge in time for rank donuts and tea.