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Entry 9: Seasons greetings: Easter comes to Ketsbaia

Seasons greetings to you all! Due to time zones, we celebrate Easter here exactly one week and nineteen seconds after the rest of the world.

Today we celebrated Easter. Here in Ketsbaia, Easter is one of the biggest holidays. The festivities of Easter run for a fortnight, during which time everyone gets whammed on fermented coconut oil which has been heated in a saucepan and then left in the sun for two days. Once it solidifies, what is left is a kind of edible whisky. This year, we are again celebrating in the traditional island way, passed down to us by a fleeting traveller.

It was about a decade ago that we had a visiting monk who had apparently abandoned a passing ship and was washed up on our shores. When I first feasted my eyes upon him and the “welcoming party” I noticed that he was being goaded on account of his bizarre looking monk’s cloak, which looked like batman’s cape. He also wore a mask which looked like batman’s mask.

Once he’d dried himself off next to an electric heater, he started chanting something about the Ten Commandments, and how he was a missionary spreading to word of the good book. He spoke in a strange dialect that no one could understand until some passing kids stumbled upon our motorcade. It turns out the monk was speaking “street,” dictating ancient passages updated for the MTV generation. Most of the Commandments related to the perils of “pimping” people’s “rides” and avoiding at all costs the deadly “dinner whores”.

The one commandment we all adhere to though is Commandment IV. The old commandment of “Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy” (or – yes! - in some interpretations, “Honour your parents”) is updated to “Thou shalt not forget to gorgest thou of sacred eggs of chocolast on thou Sabbath”. So every year we make sure we don’t forget but unfortunately that makes us all very sick indeed!

To this very day the marauding holy batman chap visits us on each Easter Sunday to get wreaked on coconut whisky and enforce his almighty righteous street commands till we can eat no more.