Another World






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Entry 7: World's biggest cake attempt

I don’t know why I keep showing up to these events.

Back down on Ketsbaia’s commercial hub, the town square, Dreck the cake maker had been banging on about a so-called “World’s Biggest Cake Attempt” that he and his wife were organising in their shop. Dreck is perhaps the least likely looking baker, but he loves what he does. His imposing demeanour, complete with characteristic imposing eye brows and reticent stubble, is often the bane of many a child who might venture in after school for a doughnut, only to be manhandled right back out the door by an usually furious looking Dreck.

The island’s media descended on the shop for the hefty cake attempt, the cameras visibly taking their toll on an on-edge Dreck. Disappointingly, the admittedly quite big cake they had baked turned out to be nothing like as colossal as what we’d all been led to believe. Which, upon presentation of the cake, made my specially commissioned “Cake Attempt 2007” t-shirt look like a personal insult to Dreck and his ugly wife.

After the lacklustre cake was presented, to the accompanying sound of U2’s Beautiful Day no less, a solitary cry of “that’s not very big!” rose awkwardly from the centre of the assembled crowd, followed by great chorus of groans and tutting. Dreck lost it and smeared some cream into the eyes of the nearest person, a confused child caught up in the crossfire. This in turn outraged certain members of the crowd who then descended on the cake, setting upon it by taking random bites and chanting “small cake” rhythmically like some kind of spongy tribal beat. Despairingly, Dreck yells out “stop it, you’re making it smaller!” but they don’t stop.

Then Dreck spies my t-shirt, marches over and attempts a right hook, which I avoid easily as he’s clearly way too drunk to possess the degree of necessary coordination. It was at this point that I decided to call it a day.

I guess the old proverb is right; you can’t eat your cake and have it too.