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Entry 11: Something sinister afoot

Something sinister is definitely afoot in these parts at the moment. Last week, the off license was looted, and now all kinds of strange things appear to be happening.

Each day I come back home after being ďout and about,Ē and I get the ethereal feeling that someone has been in the house. The signs are subtle but clear. Yesterday I found someoneís stool in the catís litter tray. There is no way Bazooka, my cat, is capable of outputting on that scale. And itís not the first time thatís happened as well.

Oddly, nothing is ever stolen, Iíll just find brown in the litter tray, sick in the sink or the shredded remains of Lonely Planet travel guides strewn across the living room.

I suspected that any intruder was using the cat flap as a mode of entry. In order to correct this security breach, Robber Swipe Ltd, the security company I use to protect my property, has had a new cat flap installed. The new flap opens and closes by employing a state of the art hydraulic turbine which pumps pressurised gas through tubes at colossal velocities henceforth thought impossible.

Since the security upgrade I have found no traces of forced entry; the faeces in the kitchen, vomit in cupboards, the empty cans of Dutch Gold lager, the bile on top of the telly all gone. The only problem was the day I had it put in I returned home to find Bazooka impaled, his rear end squashed down hard on the tarmac, with pressurised gas from the turbine shooting out uncontrollably.

The machine had incorrectly believed the cat was attempting a break and entry style manoeuvre, which of course couldnít be further from the truth. Bazooka now looms in the branches of the old oak on my front lawn, spitting and hissing as I come and go.

Iíll think I can speak for us both by saying it was nothing more than mere teething problems Ė it must have thought Bazooka was a cat burglar!