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Eastenders (BBC One)

This week on Eastenders: Something implausible happens!



Honey: Come on Janet, let’s go down the caff.

Ian Beale: Honey! Where are you going? ‘Ere, whatcha playing at running that pram over my toes. I thought you hated the baby now?

Honey: Na, the story was getting boring so I thought, “fuck it!” I love the little bitch now. In fact, I’m even having another baby.

Ian Beale: Haha I see. That reminds me. Have you seen Kevin anywhere?

Honey: Is that him right there?

Ian Beale: So it is! Here Kevin, where have you been for the last five weeks?

Kevin: Just down in Brighton. I saw some guy dying after a suicide bomber appeared to bomb a local bus. So I thought “fuck it!” I’d best return.

Ian Beale: I saw you last night, sleeping with that woman you hate.

Woman: I’ll field that one.

Ian Beale: What the hell?

Woman: Kevin and me love each other now. We suddenly realised after he nearly killed me by chucking an ashtray at me.

Ian Beale: I can’t keep up. Who writes this bollocks?

Pat: Kevin. You’re back. Good, you can look after the kids while me and my husband who’s also knocking off Dawn and that doctor go out. Just don’t tell the other people!

Kevin: Over my dead body! Is that, oh I say, is that Stacy sort over the cavorting with Max?

Pat: That was weeks ago. No one cares about that now. People have short memories around here.

Kevin: STEVE OWEN! It’s STEVE OWEN!

Steve Owen: Gaarven! Where’s Grant? I want a word!

[Credits roll]