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"Dragonís Den" BBC 2

The Dragons are in for a surprise when a contestant turns up at the Den with an unusual looking contraption.

Extract from the next series of the popular idea-bashing television formality.

Voiceover Guy: David Scumm hoped to impress the Dragons with a new device which he claims can transport objects from one place to another, but straight away his nerves began to get the better of him.

David Scumm: So here we have [pulls levers and fiddles with knob] my invention. As you can see, itís not the finished product, more like a prototype. [scratches head]

Machine: KABOOM!

David Scumm: [Wrestles to stop acidic looking liquid from seeping from a gaping hole which has appeared in its hold] But the basic principle is. Well, itís a teleporter.

Camera shot of Theo Pathetis rolling his eyes, while Duncan Bannetine glares at David in an unconvinced manner.

David Scumm: This is a revolutionary machine, the technology of which mankind has fantasised about harnessing since the dawn of time. It has the potential to revolutionise every facet of our daily lives, from global travel in seconds to nipping home from your office meetings for a quickÖ shave. So, I welcome any questions you may have.

Voiceover Guy: Davidís pitch was short and nervous, and already the Dragons are sceptical about the product.

Duncan Bannetine: ItísÖ an interesting product. Can we see it work?

David Scumm: Yes [wipes forehead]. Say I transfer this apple. From this end here to your table. If I just put this gizmo on your desk.

Richard Farley: That looks dangerous.

David Scumm: No! Itís quite safe. Watch. [pulls level]

Machine: Whizz! Whir! Gamgamagamagamgam. KABOOM!!!

Bits of apple scatter all over the Den, all over the Dragons and on Deborah Meadenís face.

Deborah Meaden: Ugh! Itís gone in my eyeÖI have apple in my eye!

Members of the TV crew run to assist the Dragons, many of which are in distress.

David Scumm: OK, it doesnít work with apples. But it works with people! Only last week I tried it with my son, and it worked perfectly, God rest his charred little soul.

Theo Pathetis: Itís a weapon of mass destruction!

David Scumm: Well, thatís not what it was supposed to be.

Deborah Meaden: I canít invest in this product for the simple reason that I think it would kill its customers. Think of the law suits! Iím out.

Theo Pathetis: I agree, itís mad, itís Armageddon, Iím out.

Duncan Bannetine: And what are your projected revenues for this?

David Scumm: EightÖ.bÖmillion? Eight million pounds over the next five years.

Duncan Bannetine: So if I invest, you can guarantee that kind of return on my investment?

David Scumm: Sure, why not.

Duncan Bannetine: OK, Iíll make you an offer. I will offer you the full £100,000. For 100% of the company.

David Scumm: I see. And is this figure negotiable?

Duncan Bannetine: I donít negotiate with terrorists!

David Scumm: OK. Well, reluctantly, I accept. What choice do I have?

Duncan Bannetine: Great! When it comes to screwing over the folk who come on this show, Iím Dragon #1. Now get the hell away from MY time machine, dolt.

David Scumm: Teleporter.

Duncan Bannetine: Whatever.