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"Deal or No Deal" Channel 4

Noel Edmond's resurgent television career goes down the pan when he loses it in the last ever televised UK edition of the popular luck-based game show.

I am the mighty Noel Edmonds. Now Im back on telly Ive earned back my crushed dignity. And its all thanks to the power of positive thinking!

Extract from the last ever Deal or No Deal, Channel 4

Edmonds: Beryl, I have to ask you the question. Deal or no deal?

Contestant: Lucy, my name is Lucy.

Edmonds: Of course it is. Now Lucy, meal or no meal?

Contestant: Well, we’ve had a lovely day, and I think…meal? What do you mean, “meal”?

Edmonds: Yes, a lovely chicken dinner, with sprouts. Mmm yum yum. Tup tup.

Contestant: [long pause] I… don’t understand.

Edmonds: Don’t worry Beryl, we’re all here to help you through this, we’re all concentrating all that positive energy, trying to force that positive kinetic energy under your eyelids and into your brain.

Contestant: Err…what was the banker’s offer again?

Edmonds: Do you know, I have forgotten! I’d give him a buzz now. [Pauses] Does anyone know his number? [Silence] There he is now!

(Edmonds picks up the phone despite it not ringing)

Edmonds: (to banker) I see. Uh-huh. Right. WHAT?! Yeah. Mmm. Ok.

Edmonds: Beryl, the banker is offering you £28 million pounds. That’s a substantial offer – and I’d like you to think about that. Take your time, you’re amongst friends here.

Contestant: (Wipes a bead of sweat from her brow) Why do you keep calling me Beryl?

Edmonds: Right, yeah, sorry…..

Contestant: ….Lucy! I just told you that, 30 seconds ago!

Edmonds: Deal or no deal, Beryl.

Contestant: Well deal, obviously.

Edmonds: What? No! No one ever accepts the banker’s deal! You can’t, it’s not dramatic enough. Actually, the banker didn’t say to offer you £28 million pounds. He said he’d offer you 28p.

Contestant: Look, Noel, I don’t really have time for this, and neither do your TV crew by the looks on their faces.

Edmonds: Ok, lets think positively! The banker says £28 million, ok, but you have to gamble that against the two amounts left, 1p or £100,000. Otherwise, it just doesn’t make for good TV, see. If you get the £100,000, we’ll give you the £28 million. OK?

Contestant: Ok, deal. I guess.

Edmonds: [dramatic pause] Right, OK. Think carefully, which of the two background folk do you want to go for?

Contestant: I’ll go for Ian.

Edmonds: OK, Ian, please open your box.

Ian: Good luck Lucy, fingers crossed, I hope the million is in here.

Edmonds: What’s that in the box? It’s…ugh! It’s some dirty underpants. Uh, that’s horrible, look they’ve been fouled as well! [Holds up the pants to the camera]

Contestant: Did I win? Am I a millionaire?

Edmonds: [puts underpants on his head] Brr! Quark! Positive thinking!