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Casio recall for radioactive “stupid” calculators

Trials carried out by Casio in response to an unusually large number of product complaints for the model revealed that the next generation eco-friendly calculator persistently miscalculated. The company also admitted that the unit point blank refused to answer questions involving more complex mathematical and statistical computations such as logarithms or gamma distribution models.

The high-tech calculators are unique due to the method of battery used. Powered by super cooled demilitarised caesium-88 rods that are inserted into the unit’s power slot, Casio claim that the calculator’s power will not run out for several thousand millennia. It has since, however, become evident that the long life of the calculators has come at the expense of computational accuracy.

According to Bicentennial Nutjob, a pupil of local school The Mathematical School for the Blind and/or Brilliant, the calculator managed to get even the most basic calculation wrong. “I asked my new calculator to work out ten minus six,” she said, “bafflingly, the answer which glared back at me was seven point two recurring”.

Responding to the recall, a statement issued by Casio sought to play down the problem. “We have tried to ensure that it [the accuracy of the calculator] was not impacted by the improvements in lifespan. Obviously there have been issues. We take [the accuracy of the calculators] extremely seriously and will endeavour to iron out any problems”. A statement issued in response to the recall read.

The recall comes amidst industry concerns that a succession of lawsuits could have a negative impact on profit forecasts for the company. GCSE results published recently reflect the first fall in average grades in decades, which some education experts are alleging was directly due to the faulty calculators misleading students. Leukaemia levels across the 12-16 age group has also reported to have increased country wide by 1600% since the machine was released three months ago according to NHS statistics.

The device has been at the centre of a PR nightmare for Casio after the recent high-profile controversy after it was suggested in a leaked memo between company executives that it does indeed cause leukaemia if used for more than three calculations in a row. In spite of this, demand has remained strong, driven primarily by school children attracted by the green glow and quiet pulsing reverberation that has become the very epitome of cool within the playground.