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Brown sets the agenda for Britain’s future immigrants

Raaaaaaaaaargh!12 March 2007. Prime Minister in waiting Gordon Brown this week set out his plans to appeal to the core electorate with a tough hard hitting new citizenship policy proposal.

Central to the new policy is the introduction of a UK citizenship test. The cultural assessment will examine each applicant’s suitability to become fully-fledged British citizens by questioning them in a range of contemporary issues. Unconfirmed reports suggest that individuals who fail to pass this test and who therefore do not exhibit the necessary knowledge, will not be granted citizenship. The aim of the policy, officials say, is to ensure those who do not deserve to be British citizens, namely the stupid or the culturally dissimilar, do not slip through the net.

Subjective Tests

Opponents of the new policy, who see it as flagrantly discriminative to many in what is supposed to be a culturally diverse society, believe the tests will be too subjective and culturally biased.

The aim of the policy, it has been understood, is to create a “homogenous” single culture with everyone thinking and acting within the set parameters of acceptability.

Ejected into Space

The test, which in future may be introduced in schools for all citizens, its designed to ensure that “British” people know enough about their country to retain the honour of being British. It has been suggested that individuals who do not demonstrate the necessary level of understanding of British affairs will have their nationality revoked, and will be rounded up into special space ships before being safely ejected into space.

Plans to eject failures into space have been seen as unworkable due to the high level of investment needed in the associated space programme. Another option on the table, it is understood, is to convert the existing International Space Station into a vast asylum and immigration camp, though such an option would depend on securing an agreement with other participating governments who in many cases are not so racist with their respective citizenship policies.

Stringent Criteria

Among other criteria, Brown has intimated that foreign workers moving to Britain in future would have to meet a stringent set of criteria that would include a degree certificate from Oxford or Cambridge Universities, the completion of the comprehensive citizenship test, and a readiness to learn to speak English.

In addition, it has been said that the granting of British citizenship will be primarily agreed on a probationary basis. Under such proposals, the citizenship is subject to revocation should Brown decide that you have not attained the appropriate level of British-ness after the six-month trial is up. The so-called “cut-of-jib test” is set up to provide insurance in case a foreigner turns out to be a terrorist or does not know from where the Cornish pasty originally derives.

See the telly report here!