Current Affairs

 

 

 

News which is "presently occurring"

 

 

 

 

 

\ HOME \ \ NEWS \ \ CULTURE \ \ TEA'S UP \ \ SPORT \ \ WORK \

 

<<< GO BACK

Brand Rebellion Causes Panic on the Seven Seas

Brand mascots led by Capt. Birdseye have formed an aggressive band of pirates.

Currently said to be afloat in a stolen commercial catamaran somewhere off the South American coastline, Birdseye and his left-leaning rebels have already reportedly terrorised several passing cruise ships.

The recent brand mascot rebellion has surprised marketing executives in high-profile ad agencies across the world. It is understood that the left wing radicals, lead by Birdseye, began their uprising as a response to the growing level of consumerism seen in today’s food industries.

A message in a bottle uncovered near Baltimore, off the east coast of the United States, has indicated in no uncertain terms that the group has become disillusioned with the commercialism that they ironically helped to create. “Today’s proletariat have the right to choose their foods free from interference from the marketing mega conglomerates and the oppressive and illegal governmental regimes which provide favourable conditions for them” the statement says, warning that the pirates will stop at nothing to “destroy the corrupting curse of extreme luxury, especially on the seven seas”.

One report purportedly involved a Cunard luxury cruiser being boarded and ransacked by peripatetic former corporate icons, baffling and terrorising passengers in equal measures. So far there have not been any confirmed reports of casualties, though it is understood that as many as fifty travellers may have been taken prisoner aboard Birdseye’s catamaran, with one man ostensibly having sand blown into his eyes “on purpose”.
Is this the best thing there is?
Coco the Monkey, for the years the popular face of Kellogg’s Coco Pops and rumoured to be first mate to Birdseye’s crew, has long been rumoured to have grown disillusioned with the breakfast company’s complacent treatment of him. Although contracted to remain the focal point of Coco Pops’ television and cinema advertising until 2015, Coco was purportedly dissatisfied at his low wages, said to be a fraction of what can be earned by an equivalent commercial television roll. Earlier this month, it emerged that Bodger, star of ITV’s Bodger and Badger series, is making $1 million an episode, which eclipses the total consideration of Coco’s ten-year deal with Kellogg’s.
 

 

 

Above: Coco the Monkey, Captain Birdseye's second in command

Tony the Tiger, long-term friend of Coco and former chief executive of the Frosties brand, defected to Nestle last year only to serve just three months as Vice President of Third World Exploitation, the experience leading to the mutiny which principally resulted in his new allegiance to Captain Birdseye.

It is reported that the swashbuckling mascots are being offered asylum by Cuban president Fidel Castro, though statements from Havana have thus far denied that the government there is currently harbouring the group.

 

Rebel: Ex-Frosties Frontman Tony the Tiger


Coco the Monkey puppet image taken from the superb website S'monkeys.