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Brand Rebellion Causes Panic on the Seven
mascots led by Capt. Birdseye have
formed an aggressive band of pirates.
Currently said to be afloat in a stolen commercial catamaran somewhere off
the South American coastline, Birdseye and his
left-leaning rebels have already reportedly terrorised several
passing cruise ships.
The recent brand mascot rebellion has surprised marketing executives in
high-profile ad agencies across the world.
It is understood that the left wing radicals, lead by Birdseye, began their
uprising as a response to the growing level of consumerism seen in today’s
A message in a bottle uncovered near Baltimore,
off the east coast of the United States, has indicated in no uncertain terms
that the group has become disillusioned with the commercialism that they
ironically helped to create. “Today’s proletariat have the right to choose
their foods free from interference from the marketing mega conglomerates and
the oppressive and illegal governmental regimes
which provide favourable conditions for them” the statement says, warning
that the pirates will stop at nothing to “destroy the corrupting curse of
extreme luxury, especially on the seven seas”.
One report purportedly involved a Cunard luxury cruiser
being boarded and ransacked by peripatetic former
corporate icons, baffling and terrorising passengers in equal
measures. So far there have not been any confirmed reports of casualties,
though it is understood that as many as fifty travellers may have been
taken prisoner aboard Birdseye’s catamaran,
with one man ostensibly having sand blown into his eyes “on purpose”.
Coco the Monkey, for the years the popular face of
Kellogg’s Coco Pops and rumoured to be first mate to
Birdseye’s crew, has long been rumoured to have grown disillusioned with the
breakfast company’s complacent treatment of him. Although contracted to
remain the focal point of Coco Pops’ television and cinema advertising until
2015, Coco was purportedly dissatisfied at his low wages, said to be a
fraction of what can be earned by an equivalent commercial television roll.
Earlier this month, it emerged that Bodger, star of ITV’s Bodger and
Badger series, is making $1 million an episode,
which eclipses the total consideration of Coco’s
ten-year deal with Kellogg’s.
Above: Coco the Monkey, Captain Birdseye's
second in command
the Tiger, long-term friend of Coco and former
chief executive of the Frosties brand, defected to Nestle last
year only to serve just three months as Vice President of Third World
Exploitation, the experience leading to the mutiny which principally
resulted in his new allegiance to Captain Birdseye.
It is reported that the swashbuckling mascots are being
offered asylum by Cuban president Fidel Castro,
though statements from Havana have thus far denied that the government there
is currently harbouring the group.
Rebel: Ex-Frosties Frontman Tony the Tiger
Coco the Monkey puppet image taken from the superb