2 + 2 always makes a five









“Armed monkeys” move humanity closer to the brink.

Scientists at the University of Chicago have issued a stark new warning that the demise of civilisation as we know it is in the hands of, among other things, the animal kingdom. With the threat of nuclear war increasing as weapons proliferation rises, and global climate change accelerating to near irreversible levels, a third global threat was today identified. Speaking in the latest Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists journal, scientists have highlighted the possibility of a grave new challenge to future world peace in the form of an animal insurgency.

It is suggested in the article that a variety of global conditions may facilitate such an uprising. Among these conditions suggested by the scientists were that the growing arms trade increases the likelihood that a displaced monkey might venture into urbanised centres, whereupon he may stumble upon an AK47. The scientists also point to increasing anger within the animal community over treatment from humans.

With dogs and cats forced to eat slop while their masters gorge themselves on gourmet chilli and pizza, and cows left in fields to freeze like idiots while their owners bathe in luxury mere feet away in farm houses, revolutionary murmurings have been picked up in animal tests conducted in the university’s animal psychology department. The recent dissection of a field mouse’s brain, for instance, led to claims that mice do not like to have their brains dissected by the human bourgeoisie.

Such has been the impact of the prospective animal revolution that the University of Chicago scientists have seen fit to update their infamous Doomsday Clock.

The pessimistic clock, which now reads five to the hour after being moved on by two minutes on the 17th January 2007, is an amalgamation of all the things which might go wrong on a global scale to cause the end of the world as we know it. It would be the sort of clock you might see up on the kitchen walls of the chronically worried.

The point at which the clock strikes twelve signifies the destruction of the world by nuclear war. Alarmingly, experts believe that, further into the future, animals may gain inadvertent access to such nuclear weapons, as the proliferation seen across developing nations increases the possibility that a monkey might wonder into poorly guarded barracks and press “the button” by some hilarious freak occurrence.